Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Bitchy Girl Diaries: American Edition - Post 1

In this post, Canadian and fellow blogger Kate identifies some of the most annoying Facebook “personalities.” I mentioned others, and she replied that some “personalities” are uniquely American, and encouraged me to write a post (or series of posts) from the American perspective. I am happy to oblige. I have written 5 different posts; four of the posts have five personality types each, and the last post has the one personality type that annoys me the most, as I would like to focus on issues that I believe influence this type.

Annoying Facebook Personalities: Post 1

The Patriot:

Identifying attributes: God Bless America, God Bless our soldiers, America is the best country EVAR, etc.

Description: This person posts about America and patriotism…a LOT. If you’re American, but a little less zealous, you may agree with their posts, but you’ll eventually find their tone to be quite aggressive and/or excessive.

Advice: Remove this one from your feed…this person won’t stop until you pull the mouse from their cold, dead hand.

The Tortured Soul:

Identifying attributes: Sad song lyrics, Depressing poems, sometimes self-written; copious use of “FML.”

Description: This person always has terrible problems. Their life is so horrible – they had a fight with their parents, their girlfriend broke up with them, their cat died – and they just want to share their sorrow with the rest of the world (or, I suspect, to bring the rest of us down to their level). To them, a hangnail is a tragedy – and the potential for attention is enough to make them post every sorrowful moment online.

Advice: There is hope for this one – but it probably won’t be from anything you say or do. Waiting it out may be an option – most likely, they’ll get over the tragedy du jour quite quickly. The problem is when they find the next one, and the cycle starts all over again. Make sure that this person is not genuinely depressed before you remove them from your feed.

The Missionary:

Identifying Attributes: God bless, Our Lord, Jesus, Bible quotes, sharing photos encouraging prayer, scripture interpretation, or religious observance.

Description: This is the crazy street preacher of the Facebook world. This person believes that they are doing you a favor – giving you the gift of hearing about Jesus. But for those of us who have prior knowledge of Jesus and the scripture and weren't impressed the first time, their efforts fall on deaf ears time and time again. There isn't much you can do to get rid of this type of Facebook abuser – often, they are family, and other family members will give you the first, second, and third degree if you unfriend them.

Advice: If you don’t want to deal with the social ramifications of unfriending The Missionary, you have two options: Hide their posts one at a time, or unsubscribe from their posts. The missionary does not react well to being challenged – refrain from engaging this personality type in a religious discussion – it will be frustrating and ultimately unsatisfying.

Inspirational poster:

Identifying Attributes: Believe in yourself, you are beautiful, realize your inner self, Deepak Chopra quotes, and other such inspirational tripe.

Description: This person loves to post quotes and sayings, paired with peaceful and/or happy pictures, to uplift spirits. They often employ the “carpet bombing” technique, posting many posts, one after the other. Like Kate says, however, these people are probably much more miserable than they let on – they are more interested in lifting their own spirits than inspiring peace and love in you.

Advice: This one is a lost cause. Just hide or ignore the posts – unless the offender is very prolific or unbelievably annoying – in which case, just remove from your feed.

Outraged Informer:

Identifying Attributes: is hurting our children/eroding our freedoms/endangering society/impacting the environment/poisoning our food, etc.

Description: This person has your best interest in mind – although you could care less. They love to talk about their pet topic constantly, even when it’s plain that they’re being ignored. They can be on either side of the political spectrum. They often take a “carpet bombing” approach, posting several posts at a time, clogging your feed with nonsense. These types, like The Missionary, are actively soliciting converts.

Advice: Only engage this personality type if you’re genuinely interested in their topic. Be warned, however, that they may be misinformed, and they may not know as much as they are letting on. Always take their advice and the articles they post with a grain of salt and a critical mind. If you wouldn't use the article for a research paper, it’s probably not credible. Remove from your feed if incredibly annoying, otherwise, just ignore the posts and go on to bigger and better things.

Can you think of any other personality types that I missed? Feel free to inform me, in the comments! Thanks for reading, and tune in later for five more annoying Facebook personality types!


  1. I can think of a really annoying type - how about people that post the stupid crap their kids say as if it is so interesting. If i thought everything a five year old said was profound I would have a child of my own.

  2. Thanks! I've made an outline of all the personalities, and one of the "types" covers it - although your comment made me think of a new funny name for the type! :D