One of my many defining traits is a lack of desire to
gamble. I don't like gambling with money, and I downright refuse to gamble with the life of another human being – especially a being
that I will have to carry the bulk of the burden when creating it. I have to
ask myself these questions beforehand. I don’t like to take risks. Call me
boring or too careful, I don’t care. Having kids is rolling the dice. What if:- The child is deformed?
- It’s handicapped?
- It has a learning disorder”
- It has Autism?
- It has ADHD?
- It has a terminal or painful childhood disease like leukemia, muscular dystrophy, or cystic fibrosis?
- It has a congenital disorder?
Judging from my previous “hard times,” I would not deal with
this reality well…which makes the likelihood that the familial pattern of my childhood
would reassert itself. This would include:
- Mental Illness
- Physical Abuse
- Alcohol abuse
- An absent father
People tell me not to worry – that I can handle it, if the
time comes. I disagree – and I find the insinuation that they know my mind
better than I do insulting and condescending.
They have many arguments that they use to try to get me to reproduce:
Q: Who will take care
of you when you’re old?!
A: Nursing home attendants.
The same people that will be taking care of you, when your kids are too
busy with their lives to care about you swimming in your own urine and getting
bedsores.
Q: But your child
could grow up to cure cancer!
A: I’m sure Charles Manson had a mom. Ted Bundy had a mom,
too. Hitler had a mom as well. Need I go on?
Q: Do you hate kids?
A: Absolutely not. I hate loud, undisciplined kids.
Q: What if your
parents didn’t have kids?
A:Then you wouldn’t be sitting here having this conversation
with ME now would you?”
Q: You’d be a great
mother –people like you SHOULD have kids!
A: You don’t know me well enough to gauge whether I’d be a
good mother. I would be an awful, terrible mother. The only reason that you
THINK I would be a good mother is twofold: you’ve only seen me with children
that are well-behaved, and when they start to cry or pout, I hand them back
over to their parents.
Q: Who will carry on
the family name?
A: Our last name is Coleman. It’s so common that you can’t
fling a dead cat without hitting someone with that surname. Even if it was
rare, I wouldn’t care anyway. I don’t find my genetic material so great as to
warrant passing it on to the next generation.
Q: What about your parents?
Don’t you want to give them grandchildren?
A: The short answer: NO. The long answer: My mom can give a
shit less. My dad does indeed care, but he acknowledges that it’s not his
choice to make – and if it makes me happy, it makes him happy. My maternal grandmother
went so far as to applaud my decision.
Q: But it’s the hardest/most
important job in the world!
A: You’re kidding, right? I hope you don’t really believe
that. I'm sure Air Traffic Controllers, Oil Rig Workers, and Coal Miners will disagree with you.
Q: Children are a
woman’s greatest achievement!
A: You must have lived under a rock for the past
half-century. Women are much more than baby-making machines now.
Q: You’ll change your
mind.
A: No, I won’t. Ya know how I know that? Because my husband and I decided to get him a vasectomy. He is officially sterile. And, now that I think about it, that condescending statement implies that you know what I want better than I do. Really? I don't think so.
NOTE: Child-free people call these questions (and others) a “bingo,”
as if they’re keeping score on a bingo card.
As a Buddhist, the reason for remaining child-free is even simpler.
To experience suffering, you have to first be a living being. By not creating a
living being, I am reducing the sum total of suffering in the world.
Also – those living now are almost guaranteed to suffer in
the future. Human beings have made an undeniable mark on the planet, increasing
greenhouse gases and gradually raising the temperature of the earth. Perhaps we
will continue to do so, until the earth cannot sustain humanity. Food shortages
will cause people to starve to death, lack of a convenient, clean water source
is already causing conflict around the globe. Perhaps we will get wise to this,
and do something constructive to fix it, but I doubt it. Denial is a unique way
to deal with climate change, and one that has few rewards in the long run – but
seeing the long view isn’t humanity’s strong suit.
As a child-free person, I have more to give to the world. I
may not add my genetic material to the future mass of humanity, but I will do
my best to make the world a better place. I have given to the Special Olympics,
Pantene Beautiful Lengths, and a local homeless shelter. I have found time to
volunteer at the Humane Society for Southwest Washington and the Multnomah
County Library. I loan my friends money so that they can get into a new rental
house or pay for books for college. I get gifts for those I love, not because
it’s a holiday…but just because.
I understand that most parents are proud of their parental
status, and they should be – if, of course, they manage to raise a person that
is a benefit to society. Most of my parent friends are terrific parents; their
children reflect discipline and respect.
Being a good parent is hard. I don’t want to be responsible
for the raising and shaping of another human being. Parenting, for me, is like the experience of eating Brussels sprouts:
I just don’t like them. I really don’t know why – but eating them is an
experience that I prefer to forgo. So is parenting.
And here we are…a big reason that I don’t want
children: I find pregnancy absolutely repugnant. I have no idea why – maybe it’s the thought of another being
inside of me (GROSS!), or the horrible health issues that pregnancy causes: Google ‘Rectal Prolapse.’ I DARE YOU. (No, really, don’t. It’s gross). Maybe
it’s the unnatural stretching of the abdomen, or how the belly button sticks
out, sort of like one of those pop-out turkey timers.
Maybe it’s the result of the pregnancy:
Perhaps it’s the thought of having to take care of a
screaming shit-storm for almost two years (I’m sensitive to sound, and easily
irritated by shrill child screams). Perhaps it’s the worry that parents go
through when their child goes missing, or the annoyance and anger when they get
into trouble. Perhaps it’s the money that’s spent on child-rearing (almost $227,000.00, not including college.) Perhaps it’s the hassle of getting kids ready to go anywhere. Perhaps it’s the
loss of self when you have children – women especially tend to identify
themselves based on their relationships to others…and every mother that I have
ever known describes herself as a “mother” first – not an autonomous human
being, as if her identity has merged with that of her child(ren).
In fact, I think that it’s all of those things, and a much
more basic one: I don’t desire children. I never have, and never will. I
have no biological clock. That doesn’t make me broken or strange – it just
makes me different. I don’t understand why in the world that someone would want
kids – oh, I KNOW why, I just don’t fully UNDERSTAND why. What I usually say when someone asks me why I don’t want
kids is this: “I decided that I love kids – I just don’t want them. I’ll leave
the breeding to the experts!”
It’s true. I’m good at so many things – crochet, cross
stitch, brewing mead, drawing, painting, crafting, spelling, and successful database
searching, among other things. I have activities that I love to be able to do,
things that I wouldn’t be able to do if I had kids – going anywhere at any time
just because I want to, drinking a glass of wine at the end of the day, eating
and cooking new and exciting dishes, going on beautiful and restful vacations,
watching R rated movies without worrying, reading whatever I want whenever I want, and giving back to the community…via
monetary means, volunteering, food donations or craft goods. I can do this
because my time is my own. I can do this because my identity is not merged with
another needy, clingy human being. I have the opportunity to make the best of
my life, one day at a time...without children. And that's okay.
